waiting on the hurricane

well sitting here watching the rain, supposed to get a little worse later, mostly rain and some wind. i kinda like storms. anyway have posted much lately as not much has been happening. we are getting ready to move soon to new house, there is a lot of work to be done. kinda glad, i need to get re-focused and doing the things necessary to recover. i spoke with my daughter for first time in a couple of weeks the other day. hearing her voice was the highlight of the month so far, God i miss her, was really thinking about her today as this is the kinda day where we would eat junk food and lay back and watch her favorites shows. my dream is that i someday be in a position to take care of her and my son. it is that dream that keeps me going, my depression has not really improved, its the not got much worse either but i must find things in life that give me joy and purpose. i think once we me and start to do some work on house and myself i will at least find that purpose. there have been people here for me through all my ups and downs and my drama and are still hanging in there with me and i  am grateful, my plan is to put that gratitude to work by maybe helping others. i know its going to be a process and i must learn patience but hopefully i will get there. anyway just wanted to check in and let people know i am still around. i ask of all you to pray for my children while they deal with the loss of their mother and i will kindly do the same for others......god bless and have a safe day

a new time

as i sat and ate with my children the other night in between services for their mother i realized that a door was closing and another opening. i think until that night i still saw them as children, naive, innocent and vulnerable. that night the conversation got very deep and at times intense and i slowly began to realize the were maturing fast, right before my eyes. now don't get me wrong they are only 17 &15 but still they just din't sound like it. i was very glad we had the conversation as somethings that needed saying were said but it was kinda sad seeing my kids as little adults. the selfish me wants to turn back the clocks to when they were little and i used to wrestle and play with them and hug and squeeze them, but alas they are no longer little kids anymore, they are little adults. i miss them but i suppose that is the natural course of life.As for me, i am still struggling sometimes i feel more than ever, did a couple things this week that made me for a few minutes feel like a normal person but still my mood is low and thoughts are dark but ii have a plan and i am going to stick to it and hopefully things will get better. we are in processing of moving and there is all that goes with that and i am hoping to give it my all and then afterwards do something for me and hopefully it will work out. until then i will hang in there and suggest you do the same. do something today for someone other than yourself.. 

gratitude

My ex-wife passed away a few days ago, it is difficult for as much anger and resentment i felt towards her i still cared, she was the mother of my children. so i am dealing with that grief and even more difficult watching my children grieve for their mother. i bumped into an old friend and kinda layed down what i am going through and he suggested i focus some energy on things that i am grateful about.i decided on of the 1st thing was to write to foundation members who have been there for me but really goes out to any of you who have helped, everything from donating money to simply saying a prayer. what follows is a copy of that letter.

Omar, i have doing alot of thinking the last couple days. it has been a rough couple of days, watching your children in pain and not being able to really ease that pain is difficult. saw an old friend last night and had a good talk, he suggested i spend some time focusing on the things for which i am grateful and even making a list. i plan on doing that, maybe that will be my next blog entry. when i started thinking about things i am grateful for of course you and Ryan came to mind. i say this and do not say lightly but have no doubt i would not be alive had it not been for your intervention. like i have expressed several times recently i am not sure i am what you bargained for and am probably more high maintenance than you had expected but you have been supportive and gracious the whole time. there are in life certain situation where my vocabulary is inadequate to express my feelings or thoughts, this is one of those occasion. if you look back at your work here and need to find some sort of validation you can at least say you  have saved a life. i am grateful beyond words. i just wanted you to know that..    Phillip

the day i forgave my father

Today is my fathers birthday. He would have been 77years old. He passed away with cancer close to 2 years ago. In the last 8 or 9 years of his life we never spoke until the end. You see my father was an alcoholic and extremely abusive towards me and occasionally  my mother.That is until i was 14 and fought back, he never touched me from then on but also never spoke more than 6 or 7 words to me either. In retrospect i believe he just didn't like his life and drank and took it out on others.He was stuck in a marriage he did not want to be in and living somewhere he didn't want to be. Additionally there was something hidden, some sort of secret i guess about his growing up, his upbring. His family was never mentioned other than my mom telling me his father worked in coal mines and drank too much and i had a grandmother in Michigan, that was it.I don't know if he had brothers or anything.When my father got sick my mother kept telling me i should come see him but i was still holding on to a lot of anger. My therapist at the time gradually start to plant the seed that maybe it was time to move on and see him. She felt a lot of my depression was just anger and rage i turned inward. eventually i agreed to go to DC to see him, the first thing i remember was the shock of seeing him, the last time i saw him he was about 5'6'' and 200lbs and kinda bff, when i saw him in that bed he could not have weighed more than 100lbs. he smiled and looked at my kids, and asked how old were they,, he had never met my children. He then grabbed my by the hand and kinda squeezed it and said he loved me and there was so much to talk about, but was kinda tired. i told him not to worry about it. i stayed probably another hour for he was heavily medicated and kept falling asleep, we left had dinner and i came home and watched TV and went to bed. About 3AM the phone rang and it was my mother and she told me my father had just passed away, not 12 hours after i went to see him. My therapist at the time was somewhat spiritual and felt he waiting for that to die, me i am not sure but did come to realize i no longer hate him and don't speak ill when talking him.    ps but am still depressed so i don't know how much my father had on my depression but i am hanging in there, one day at a time

hello

i am sitting here after just having a long conversation with a DSS worker. She sounds like a real nice lady and she wants to help me convince my son of all the things she can offer to help him. i tried to explain but he remains skeptical. he is confused, not to mention somewhat angry and hurt. it is hard enough to be a teenager today but to be one and slowly watch your mother die and your father struggle its really got to be rough. for me each day is a struggle, i live one day at a  time , each day searching for more reasons to go on. Right now they are my reasons. I know how i struggle with my mothers suicide and would hate to leave them the same legacy. Two days ago i got down on my knees and prayed, i do not really consider my self a Christian, as i have always been fascinated by eastern religions or faiths but figure what have i got to lose. Not sure if i mentioned this in earlier post but recently saw "Shawshank Redemption" and saw part where Tim Robbins tells his buddy that "  its time to get busy living, or get busty Dying". i can really relate. I really want to live, obviously or i still would not be here but there time i don't know if i can keep going. there a are several people who have seriously invested themselves and that also keeps me going. Remember as i always say, try to do something nice for someone today, you will be re payed 10 times fold...........

longest night

i think last night was one  longest nights of my life, i feel asleep fine around 11:30 but woke around 1:30am and have been up since then. i can not turn my thoughts off. they just go and go and its almost negative self talk. i still hurt from hearing my son say he hates me. somebody told me he doesn't mean it but he does at this moment. he is angry and hurt and probably really feels like he hates me. my only positive thought is there will come a day when he realizes that i am doing this because i love him and am worried and know he is not ready to take care of himself but. until that time it is going to difficult for me, as much as i tell myself i know deep down he loves me i still keep hearing his voice in my head. like i said yesterday i feel like i am going to explode.

Pain

Today was the hardest day of my life. i hurt so much right now i feel like i am going to explode. today i had to call Social Services and tell them my kids needed to be picked up because i am unable to care for them. my ex-wife has a terminal illness and went into hospital. when she got out she went to stay her last month or so with her girlfriend and asked the kids to come, they both hate her girlfriend and refused. well she went anyway and turned utilities off. my children are 15 and 16 and are too young to fend for themselves. my daughter has been staying with a friend but that is not a permanent solution. my son, it turns out was staying in house with no utilities.i worked in mental health a long time and have had people share their experiences once there kids get in system. i swore that would never happen. i called my son to tell him what was going on. his only comment was " i fucking hate you" and hung up. i have never been hurt so bad in my life. please pray for me and somebody please reaasure me i did the right thing.

I'm back

I know i have been MIA for a while but it was suggested i start writing again and i whole heartedly agree. The problem is right now is my mind is so scattered and the internal dialogue just won't shut up, it just runs and runs. i tried every combinations of medicine there is, this makes me believe the solution must be elsewhere.i know the things to do to improve my mood and improve my situation but it takes motivation to do those things and one the primary symptoms if my depression is poor or low motivation, It's sort of Catch-22..I have to get of my butt and do some things its just t hat is so hard, i just want to isolate myself and crawl up into my sick sorta of denial. my situation has not much changed except to maybe gotten all little worse. My ex-wife is near death and chose to leave her children and go die with her girlfriend, My children now live with friends but they are only 15 and almost 17, too young to be starting life on there own. i feel like a failure as a father for not being able to take care of them and worry constantly about them. My son knows more of my situation tan my daughter and when i talk to him i can hear anger below the surface. He is yet to verbalize it but i hear in his tone and some comments such as i just "need to snap out of it" , like i would choose to live this way. I am currently awaiting a decision on disability but as everyone knows that is a long process and right now i feel stagnant. I do however hang on to to a thread of hope and refuse to give up. I need to come to peace with whats going on and deal with each situation as it arises and keep chugging along. There are people in my  life that are helping me do that and i probably don't express my gratitude enough. I will take this oppurtunity to say thanks. well i ques that is enough for this morning. i promise to come back and contiuing this public sorta of journal, I want to ask if anybody is out there listening try to get out of yourself and do something for someone else, even if its something as simple as smililng and wishing somebody a good day. peolpe don't seem to realize how some thing as small as just recognizing some can help them.

a day in the life

i recently kept a pad by my bed and scraps of paper in my pocket about a day, the following were probably only about half  but they are the feelings, emotions and behaviors in last day or so:. fulfillment, not being fullfilled, fear, guilt, love (both genuine, requited and unrequited), our mortality, untruthfulness, self loathing, pity, hope,peace, dreams, purpose,meaning of life, dreams lost, purpose, envy, feeling like an artist trapped in a body incapable to express it, destiny, fate, obsession, insanity, both being grateful and ungrateful, insane,suicidal and confused. now i know this list it not even a fraction and is extremely tangential but this my thought process, it's the behaviors, internal self dialogue i cannot seem to shut down and just runs, runs and runs through my mind. anyway anybody wanna trade? jajjajaja

missing

sorry folks that i have not been blogging lately, i really need it as i do this not only to share experiences of homeless people but my own therapy. and lord knows i need plenty of that. Mother day was last week and i really struggled with it. a lady stopped me and asked if i would like to buy my mom some nice flowers, of course i would, unfortunately i have no money and would not know where to take them, all my aunt told me were her ashes were scattered on some mountain in West Va.. i am really hurt sometimes its a struggle. i have had  my cousin, favorite uncle and now my mother all die by their own hands. sometimes i feel like i am cursed with same destiny myself but for my children's sake i fight on. i have been doing okay i guess, so-so. been staying busy doing some cleaning in community, around transitional house and even spent  time with my kids yesterday, i hated to see them go. tomorrow i have an appt. at Social Services about a small paying part-time job i had which turned out to be much too physically and mentally more that i can handle at present. never good news at DSS. they will probably suspend my benefits and make me start process all over again or penalize me for earning a grand some of 71.00 dollars a week, we'll see. the system is so short-sighted and set up to keep people down, it does nothing to encourage trying to do things to get out. i don't want welfare, i want an opportunity to take care of self and children as my ex-wife is really ill right now. all i can do is keep putting one foot in front of another, not giving up and pray for a break or two. please i implore of you to do something for someone other than yourself today, even if its just a smile and hello, you never know, that my be the gesture that gets someone through that particular day. until next time.. peace.......

whats happening peeps?

hello out there today, its a nice day, trying to figure out if its going to stay like that or not as my laundry is pilling up. .laundry and vacuuming are two chores i dread. i guess lie is not so bad when thats all you have to complain about for the moment. i still have not talked to my children but it will have to be  soon as  that is large part of plan. my roommate gave me some doughnuts last night and did not ask for anything in exchange showing we change, it may seem small but is not compared to where we came from, he will be leaving this week and am going to miss him. but that is how things go in life, maybe we we will get someone like him  if not i guess i will get a chance to work on some coping skills. anyway i hope everyone out there i having a good today and has a nice weekend coming up, me, no plans, just try to do some reading and schedule some of next week, leaving room for the unexpected, remember to try to do something nice for someone, the dividends are incredible.....
-

absence

sorry folks, had to take some time out to address some issues, my medication did not seem to working  well and i allowed myself to become overwhelmed. hopefully my new regimen will work out. i know this is a blog dealing with homelessness but alot of times you can't really discuss homelessness without discussing mental health, they often go hand in hand. at least in my case they do. anyway i hope all is well with everyone else. i have had alot of time to think in the last week and have made some difficult decisions that are going to be hardd initially but hopefully will work out for the best in long run. i love my children with all my heart but i am no use as a father if i am dead so i need to take better care of myself and hopefully they will understand, you see they have been spoilt very much by me, mostly due to quilt i assume but i need to cut back in some areas, things such as having the latest and coolest cell phone , the holister and aeropostale, and spending money. i am killing myself trying to provide those things. i need to get back dealing with my basic needs first and then do what i can.. it will be difficult as they are my heart but a father who sets some boundaries and not always physically there is better than a dead one. i have been fortunate to cross paths with some people who really care and are sticking by me, my hope and desire is that i can make it work and then i do the same for someone else. thats what is all about, the more we give, the more we get in return..if you read this you are probably already somewhat socially conscience but please try to spread it on. there are little things, even saying hello to someone on the streets, i can remember people walking by looking at ground not wanting to look at me, homeless people are people with feelings just like everyone else, a little respect is not so much, you know..... anyway i am glad to be back and will keep writing as this is a blog but is also somewhat of a journal and need to expressing myself to get better

rocket man

sitting here and watched and episode of tv show and got somewhere between nostalgic and melancholic, listening to Van Morrison now, probably not best idea for depressed person  but sometime blues make me seem less blue. my mind is racing right now, always anxious but worse lately. looking for security i guess and there are no quick answers or remedies, that i know.. i wont be long, gonna force self to eat. just to let you know where i am at think "Rocket Man",  "Lost and cant find my way home", or" samba pa ti" and think,    just do it (sorry Nike), shit or get off pot, or as Tim Robbins said in "Shawshank Redemption" that "its time to get busy living, or get busy dying" anyway not sure if anybody reads these but  if you do thanks and reach out to someone in life. if we all help somebody just imagine what we can accomplish in this world we coexist. peace......

learnig how to live in the moment

told everybody i would get back to blogging more so here i am .i am somewhat anxious about future, i miss most is stability, you know what i mean? knowing you are sleeping in same bed you are for until you are ready to move on, some security i guess is what i am trying to say. also trying not to allow myself to get too overwhelmed about stuff but is hard. i have mentioned several times about how little i really want out of life, a little place of my own, my children in my life, simple things but when i start putting the numbers together is hard not to get overwhelmed. i think i mentioned how little money i have coming in and at that rate i cannot even pay my own bills already much less save. i have an interview this week and am going to try to work both jobs. it will be difficult because i am in not the best health and less face no young lad anymore but seems my only solution. i try not to get envious of others but sometimes it is not easy. i miss not having a family. i miss my mother very much, you know someone you can lean on when you are troubled. i do have a group of young students who seem to care and want to make a difference and i am thankful for that but sometimes... well its hard. i am going to keep fighting though, i owe it to my kids. anyway to those who are out there and reading i thank you. it helps to share and tomorrow i hope you do something nice for someone, even if it is just a smile or a hello

what a day

winding down, long day at work and feet hurt but hey i cant complain, anyway i wrote a nice long entry this am and then had computer issues. day was so chaotic not sure what it was even about. i know a feel a little anxiety right now but thats nothing knew, i am doing some positive things so sooner or later my luck gonna change. i think what i need to work on most is staying in moment. i have alot people around helping me and i am doing some work i just need to stay positive. my kids have been on my mind alot lately. i miss laying around watching tv eating junk food, maybe someday sooner.anyway to all those who help other people i thank you, i thinking helping people is kinda like a chain.........

hello

just thought i would drop a few lines to let people know i am still alive and kicking. have been fairly busy lately, work, saw my kids, some volunteer stuff . stuff a few years ago i would have complained about and took for granted, not today. we did some work in a community garden the other day and i actually enjoyed it.i just got home from work and have to send some emails so i am gonna go. to all out there i wish you well and if you get a chance do something to help somebody, you will be rewarded ten fold. i will try to write more manana.... chao....

sorry

been missing couple days, kinda hectic, back working, yeah !! still have my moments, my son still struggles at times as well. working trying to stay in the here and now and not get too anxious which i am prone to. just to give some people who have never had these struggles some of the hurdles i now have to deal with is when i sit down and look at what it takes to survive financially and what i make and spend, its a scary thought. i am grateful to have a job but i work at a place well know for hiring par-timers to avoid benefits and also they don't pay well either. when you figure child support, living expenses ect i barely  have 40-50 per month expendable income and i still need toiletries and a couple other incidentals. The scary part is that my dream is to be fully self supporting supporting with my own place, furniture, (even bills); but saving to reach that point is going to be difficult. i am extremely appreciative of the place i am at and the people, they are great but i think everyone thinks of someday having their own, don't feel it is unreasonable. its going to take work and help but want to get there and once there try to help someone else get there

new day

you know through my age and experiences i guess i have grown somewhat cynical but the last few days have shown me  there are people out there who just do things because they care or they are the right things to do, to you i want to say thank you!!!. still unsure of somethings but am sure i want to continue on regardless of obstacles. i have in the last few weeks come to learn a great deal about myself but also great deal about other people and find myself more open-minded now. do not get me wrong i have a difficult road but now see possibilities and that even when i fall there will be, if i am willing people who will help me up if i let them. today i promise myself not to give up and if you are struggling please don't give up either, hang on

today

not sure why i even signed onto blogg, i guess i just felt need or desire to  to speaking to anyone. as many know its been a rough couple days but i fell it starting to subside,  thanks in most part to a group of guys who seem to care, its amazing. so many other i have come across in past have had agendas, these don't.. anyway spent day reading, nothing especially heavy just trying to stay out of head and use coping skills, have a call in to my employer to make sure all is kool and had a long conversation with my kids being careful not to get to deep into how i fee land what i am going through, they hay enough on their plate just being teenagers and their mother bieng sick, it is important to let them e teenagers for as much as possible. anyway.  my appetite is returning which his good sign so maybe i will go make sandwich and green tea..just wanted to say hello out there and if anybodies hope is faltering please hang on until you come across some people to help you; peace.........

new day

i have been here in my room feeling sorry for myself all day, no more, am going to shower, maybe eat something and try to listen to musis but the world has not ended and i need to stop acting like it, i'll get through today, call my team, maybe change in meds and in keep the f& ;^$ going on. thats what this website is about and that is HOPE, thank you all....and i am going to remember that some people have it worse than i do and try to stay more positive in case they need my help

wow

Damn...do you remember how sometimes we get homeless because circumstances beyond our control. i am currently experiencing one of those moments as we speak. i suffer from depression. sometimes almost untreatable depression. Exactly one year ago today my mother, who also had depression took her own life. i thought everything was going to be alright but shit, i don't know. its kicking my ass right now. the people who run the place i am at have been very supportive but am not so sure about roommates,they dont know much of of my illness i feel alone and afraid and not sure whats going to happen. also have anxiety am ,y thoughts are running wild........i think i need some help but am afraid, really afraid of whats going to happen......god please help me wow maybe more later if still here thank to all have been helping and please give me a chance

rainy days don't have to get you down

i am sitting here about to go to bed, (sucks getting old ;-)  ), worked today and am on my feet all day, additionally part of the program these good students from Hopkins are working on with us includes not only educational and vocational training but a little physical training and education as well which i must say as a 50 year old out shape man, is rough, they are of course not pushing too hard and monitoring but still.... last night we did something called "spinning" and today my calves are sore, but its a good soreness. its a kinda i know i am alive kinda of soreness. wanted to make some calls today. we are very interested in doing  somethings in neighborhood to give back back and let them know what we are are all about. we are having some success but Baltimore city politics i have found not the most easy to navigate, (hope i did just not offend someone). but i do not give up that easy and have a couple leads, we'll get there.also found out last night we will have access to a camera so i can maybe move this blog into more techno times, now if i could just get there myself. anyway not to get to far off tasks as i was getting off light rail i saw 3 guys with their cardboard going up up on the hill to make their beds for the night , sad......we can put a man on the moon, build a warship that can circle earth like a gazillion times but we can't help our own people out.anyway, i gonna go, get some green tea and relax, this blog is also therapeutic for me and have been strongly encouraged to continue so you will keep hearing from me. sometimes to check in and tell you how my day went and sometimes when angry just a place to rant....

on the streets

i believe i left off talking about society does not care and just how rough things are but that is not always the case and not everyone is so  uncaring. i was one of the fortunate who happened into a good situation, guided by some good people(Lisa) and although my life is still a struggle i can see some hope. a few months ago i saw none. in the last 18 months i had lost job where i had been making decent money and where i had been employed 9 years, my father died of cancer, i was robbed of almost $1200, found out my ex wife was terminal (liver failure) and then it that was not bad enough i also lost my mother too, to suicide. so you could say my life has sucked, but i am coming around. i consider myself fairly intelligent person and instead of heading down the path i was heading i sought some help and it came, not necessarily the help i wanted but the help i needed. i now have a place to lay my head at night where i feel safe and don't have to use belongings as a pillow or ride the trains all day because it was so cold outside. i even have a little part-time job and they seem impressed with my work ethic and skills and are talking about some good stuff for the future so i can re-unite with my children after my ex finally passes. Several months ago i just sat there and wanted to die, today i ate a good meal, napped a little and am going to watch a movie. but is very important that i remember this, and that when i was at that point someone was there to reach out and help me so when given the opportunity i must do the same.
www.sunnahinc.org

misinformation

My name is really not that important, my story and my struggles,and more importantly the everyday day struggles of my fellow human beings are, to me anyway; and hopefully a few other with some sort of social awareness. I will therefore  try to retain my own person anonymity as to insure i have no other agenda but bring to light some of what homeless persons go through and also hope to dis-spell some antiquated notions and prejudiced ideas about homelessness. I guess the first is that homeless people are "winos" or "bums" and they are all addicts and do nothing but panhandle on street corners or that they are "crazy" and yes there are many that fit those categories but that does not mean they need help as well, quite the contrary.Another is that they just need to get a job, which i was to  find much easier said than done. Imagine as hard as things are right now trying to find a job with limited skills, no phone, no clothes to wear to interview or work in as most shelters make you take all your belongings with you when you leave, i could go on but maybe you see my point. There is also a new class of homelessness out there due to the economy. People who who through maybe a bad choice or two and loss of a job suddenly in a place they never imagined they would be. it is unfortunate but some of you probably don't realize how close you you are, give it a thought..I didn't and and am now homeless.i was one of the lucky ones who crossed paths with some people who care and writing this is part of expressing my gratitude.I don't panhandle, spend my my money on alcohol or sleep in park but my situation is precarious as well. we live in a time when the politicos and policy makers are more worried about keeping their electorate happy and not necessarily doing whats right. if you are as like minded as me get people to speak up, encourage people to register to vote, lend a hand, smile at a homeless person today, do something !!! Congress is going to look  for ways to cut more money and the money that gets cut will be for those least able to stand up and say something about it....... well enough for today, c- ya soon, probably tomorrow.....