I'm back

I know i have been MIA for a while but it was suggested i start writing again and i whole heartedly agree. The problem is right now is my mind is so scattered and the internal dialogue just won't shut up, it just runs and runs. i tried every combinations of medicine there is, this makes me believe the solution must be elsewhere.i know the things to do to improve my mood and improve my situation but it takes motivation to do those things and one the primary symptoms if my depression is poor or low motivation, It's sort of Catch-22..I have to get of my butt and do some things its just t hat is so hard, i just want to isolate myself and crawl up into my sick sorta of denial. my situation has not much changed except to maybe gotten all little worse. My ex-wife is near death and chose to leave her children and go die with her girlfriend, My children now live with friends but they are only 15 and almost 17, too young to be starting life on there own. i feel like a failure as a father for not being able to take care of them and worry constantly about them. My son knows more of my situation tan my daughter and when i talk to him i can hear anger below the surface. He is yet to verbalize it but i hear in his tone and some comments such as i just "need to snap out of it" , like i would choose to live this way. I am currently awaiting a decision on disability but as everyone knows that is a long process and right now i feel stagnant. I do however hang on to to a thread of hope and refuse to give up. I need to come to peace with whats going on and deal with each situation as it arises and keep chugging along. There are people in my  life that are helping me do that and i probably don't express my gratitude enough. I will take this oppurtunity to say thanks. well i ques that is enough for this morning. i promise to come back and contiuing this public sorta of journal, I want to ask if anybody is out there listening try to get out of yourself and do something for someone else, even if its something as simple as smililng and wishing somebody a good day. peolpe don't seem to realize how some thing as small as just recognizing some can help them.