I'm back

I know i have been MIA for a while but it was suggested i start writing again and i whole heartedly agree. The problem is right now is my mind is so scattered and the internal dialogue just won't shut up, it just runs and runs. i tried every combinations of medicine there is, this makes me believe the solution must be elsewhere.i know the things to do to improve my mood and improve my situation but it takes motivation to do those things and one the primary symptoms if my depression is poor or low motivation, It's sort of Catch-22..I have to get of my butt and do some things its just t hat is so hard, i just want to isolate myself and crawl up into my sick sorta of denial. my situation has not much changed except to maybe gotten all little worse. My ex-wife is near death and chose to leave her children and go die with her girlfriend, My children now live with friends but they are only 15 and almost 17, too young to be starting life on there own. i feel like a failure as a father for not being able to take care of them and worry constantly about them. My son knows more of my situation tan my daughter and when i talk to him i can hear anger below the surface. He is yet to verbalize it but i hear in his tone and some comments such as i just "need to snap out of it" , like i would choose to live this way. I am currently awaiting a decision on disability but as everyone knows that is a long process and right now i feel stagnant. I do however hang on to to a thread of hope and refuse to give up. I need to come to peace with whats going on and deal with each situation as it arises and keep chugging along. There are people in my  life that are helping me do that and i probably don't express my gratitude enough. I will take this oppurtunity to say thanks. well i ques that is enough for this morning. i promise to come back and contiuing this public sorta of journal, I want to ask if anybody is out there listening try to get out of yourself and do something for someone else, even if its something as simple as smililng and wishing somebody a good day. peolpe don't seem to realize how some thing as small as just recognizing some can help them.

a day in the life

i recently kept a pad by my bed and scraps of paper in my pocket about a day, the following were probably only about half  but they are the feelings, emotions and behaviors in last day or so:. fulfillment, not being fullfilled, fear, guilt, love (both genuine, requited and unrequited), our mortality, untruthfulness, self loathing, pity, hope,peace, dreams, purpose,meaning of life, dreams lost, purpose, envy, feeling like an artist trapped in a body incapable to express it, destiny, fate, obsession, insanity, both being grateful and ungrateful, insane,suicidal and confused. now i know this list it not even a fraction and is extremely tangential but this my thought process, it's the behaviors, internal self dialogue i cannot seem to shut down and just runs, runs and runs through my mind. anyway anybody wanna trade? jajjajaja

missing

sorry folks that i have not been blogging lately, i really need it as i do this not only to share experiences of homeless people but my own therapy. and lord knows i need plenty of that. Mother day was last week and i really struggled with it. a lady stopped me and asked if i would like to buy my mom some nice flowers, of course i would, unfortunately i have no money and would not know where to take them, all my aunt told me were her ashes were scattered on some mountain in West Va.. i am really hurt sometimes its a struggle. i have had  my cousin, favorite uncle and now my mother all die by their own hands. sometimes i feel like i am cursed with same destiny myself but for my children's sake i fight on. i have been doing okay i guess, so-so. been staying busy doing some cleaning in community, around transitional house and even spent  time with my kids yesterday, i hated to see them go. tomorrow i have an appt. at Social Services about a small paying part-time job i had which turned out to be much too physically and mentally more that i can handle at present. never good news at DSS. they will probably suspend my benefits and make me start process all over again or penalize me for earning a grand some of 71.00 dollars a week, we'll see. the system is so short-sighted and set up to keep people down, it does nothing to encourage trying to do things to get out. i don't want welfare, i want an opportunity to take care of self and children as my ex-wife is really ill right now. all i can do is keep putting one foot in front of another, not giving up and pray for a break or two. please i implore of you to do something for someone other than yourself today, even if its just a smile and hello, you never know, that my be the gesture that gets someone through that particular day. until next time.. peace.......

whats happening peeps?

hello out there today, its a nice day, trying to figure out if its going to stay like that or not as my laundry is pilling up. .laundry and vacuuming are two chores i dread. i guess lie is not so bad when thats all you have to complain about for the moment. i still have not talked to my children but it will have to be  soon as  that is large part of plan. my roommate gave me some doughnuts last night and did not ask for anything in exchange showing we change, it may seem small but is not compared to where we came from, he will be leaving this week and am going to miss him. but that is how things go in life, maybe we we will get someone like him  if not i guess i will get a chance to work on some coping skills. anyway i hope everyone out there i having a good today and has a nice weekend coming up, me, no plans, just try to do some reading and schedule some of next week, leaving room for the unexpected, remember to try to do something nice for someone, the dividends are incredible.....
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absence

sorry folks, had to take some time out to address some issues, my medication did not seem to working  well and i allowed myself to become overwhelmed. hopefully my new regimen will work out. i know this is a blog dealing with homelessness but alot of times you can't really discuss homelessness without discussing mental health, they often go hand in hand. at least in my case they do. anyway i hope all is well with everyone else. i have had alot of time to think in the last week and have made some difficult decisions that are going to be hardd initially but hopefully will work out for the best in long run. i love my children with all my heart but i am no use as a father if i am dead so i need to take better care of myself and hopefully they will understand, you see they have been spoilt very much by me, mostly due to quilt i assume but i need to cut back in some areas, things such as having the latest and coolest cell phone , the holister and aeropostale, and spending money. i am killing myself trying to provide those things. i need to get back dealing with my basic needs first and then do what i can.. it will be difficult as they are my heart but a father who sets some boundaries and not always physically there is better than a dead one. i have been fortunate to cross paths with some people who really care and are sticking by me, my hope and desire is that i can make it work and then i do the same for someone else. thats what is all about, the more we give, the more we get in return..if you read this you are probably already somewhat socially conscience but please try to spread it on. there are little things, even saying hello to someone on the streets, i can remember people walking by looking at ground not wanting to look at me, homeless people are people with feelings just like everyone else, a little respect is not so much, you know..... anyway i am glad to be back and will keep writing as this is a blog but is also somewhat of a journal and need to expressing myself to get better

rocket man

sitting here and watched and episode of tv show and got somewhere between nostalgic and melancholic, listening to Van Morrison now, probably not best idea for depressed person  but sometime blues make me seem less blue. my mind is racing right now, always anxious but worse lately. looking for security i guess and there are no quick answers or remedies, that i know.. i wont be long, gonna force self to eat. just to let you know where i am at think "Rocket Man",  "Lost and cant find my way home", or" samba pa ti" and think,    just do it (sorry Nike), shit or get off pot, or as Tim Robbins said in "Shawshank Redemption" that "its time to get busy living, or get busy dying" anyway not sure if anybody reads these but  if you do thanks and reach out to someone in life. if we all help somebody just imagine what we can accomplish in this world we coexist. peace......

learnig how to live in the moment

told everybody i would get back to blogging more so here i am .i am somewhat anxious about future, i miss most is stability, you know what i mean? knowing you are sleeping in same bed you are for until you are ready to move on, some security i guess is what i am trying to say. also trying not to allow myself to get too overwhelmed about stuff but is hard. i have mentioned several times about how little i really want out of life, a little place of my own, my children in my life, simple things but when i start putting the numbers together is hard not to get overwhelmed. i think i mentioned how little money i have coming in and at that rate i cannot even pay my own bills already much less save. i have an interview this week and am going to try to work both jobs. it will be difficult because i am in not the best health and less face no young lad anymore but seems my only solution. i try not to get envious of others but sometimes it is not easy. i miss not having a family. i miss my mother very much, you know someone you can lean on when you are troubled. i do have a group of young students who seem to care and want to make a difference and i am thankful for that but sometimes... well its hard. i am going to keep fighting though, i owe it to my kids. anyway to those who are out there and reading i thank you. it helps to share and tomorrow i hope you do something nice for someone, even if it is just a smile or a hello