the day i forgave my father

Today is my fathers birthday. He would have been 77years old. He passed away with cancer close to 2 years ago. In the last 8 or 9 years of his life we never spoke until the end. You see my father was an alcoholic and extremely abusive towards me and occasionally  my mother.That is until i was 14 and fought back, he never touched me from then on but also never spoke more than 6 or 7 words to me either. In retrospect i believe he just didn't like his life and drank and took it out on others.He was stuck in a marriage he did not want to be in and living somewhere he didn't want to be. Additionally there was something hidden, some sort of secret i guess about his growing up, his upbring. His family was never mentioned other than my mom telling me his father worked in coal mines and drank too much and i had a grandmother in Michigan, that was it.I don't know if he had brothers or anything.When my father got sick my mother kept telling me i should come see him but i was still holding on to a lot of anger. My therapist at the time gradually start to plant the seed that maybe it was time to move on and see him. She felt a lot of my depression was just anger and rage i turned inward. eventually i agreed to go to DC to see him, the first thing i remember was the shock of seeing him, the last time i saw him he was about 5'6'' and 200lbs and kinda bff, when i saw him in that bed he could not have weighed more than 100lbs. he smiled and looked at my kids, and asked how old were they,, he had never met my children. He then grabbed my by the hand and kinda squeezed it and said he loved me and there was so much to talk about, but was kinda tired. i told him not to worry about it. i stayed probably another hour for he was heavily medicated and kept falling asleep, we left had dinner and i came home and watched TV and went to bed. About 3AM the phone rang and it was my mother and she told me my father had just passed away, not 12 hours after i went to see him. My therapist at the time was somewhat spiritual and felt he waiting for that to die, me i am not sure but did come to realize i no longer hate him and don't speak ill when talking him.    ps but am still depressed so i don't know how much my father had on my depression but i am hanging in there, one day at a time

hello

i am sitting here after just having a long conversation with a DSS worker. She sounds like a real nice lady and she wants to help me convince my son of all the things she can offer to help him. i tried to explain but he remains skeptical. he is confused, not to mention somewhat angry and hurt. it is hard enough to be a teenager today but to be one and slowly watch your mother die and your father struggle its really got to be rough. for me each day is a struggle, i live one day at a  time , each day searching for more reasons to go on. Right now they are my reasons. I know how i struggle with my mothers suicide and would hate to leave them the same legacy. Two days ago i got down on my knees and prayed, i do not really consider my self a Christian, as i have always been fascinated by eastern religions or faiths but figure what have i got to lose. Not sure if i mentioned this in earlier post but recently saw "Shawshank Redemption" and saw part where Tim Robbins tells his buddy that "  its time to get busy living, or get busty Dying". i can really relate. I really want to live, obviously or i still would not be here but there time i don't know if i can keep going. there a are several people who have seriously invested themselves and that also keeps me going. Remember as i always say, try to do something nice for someone today, you will be re payed 10 times fold...........

longest night

i think last night was one  longest nights of my life, i feel asleep fine around 11:30 but woke around 1:30am and have been up since then. i can not turn my thoughts off. they just go and go and its almost negative self talk. i still hurt from hearing my son say he hates me. somebody told me he doesn't mean it but he does at this moment. he is angry and hurt and probably really feels like he hates me. my only positive thought is there will come a day when he realizes that i am doing this because i love him and am worried and know he is not ready to take care of himself but. until that time it is going to difficult for me, as much as i tell myself i know deep down he loves me i still keep hearing his voice in my head. like i said yesterday i feel like i am going to explode.

Pain

Today was the hardest day of my life. i hurt so much right now i feel like i am going to explode. today i had to call Social Services and tell them my kids needed to be picked up because i am unable to care for them. my ex-wife has a terminal illness and went into hospital. when she got out she went to stay her last month or so with her girlfriend and asked the kids to come, they both hate her girlfriend and refused. well she went anyway and turned utilities off. my children are 15 and 16 and are too young to fend for themselves. my daughter has been staying with a friend but that is not a permanent solution. my son, it turns out was staying in house with no utilities.i worked in mental health a long time and have had people share their experiences once there kids get in system. i swore that would never happen. i called my son to tell him what was going on. his only comment was " i fucking hate you" and hung up. i have never been hurt so bad in my life. please pray for me and somebody please reaasure me i did the right thing.

I'm back

I know i have been MIA for a while but it was suggested i start writing again and i whole heartedly agree. The problem is right now is my mind is so scattered and the internal dialogue just won't shut up, it just runs and runs. i tried every combinations of medicine there is, this makes me believe the solution must be elsewhere.i know the things to do to improve my mood and improve my situation but it takes motivation to do those things and one the primary symptoms if my depression is poor or low motivation, It's sort of Catch-22..I have to get of my butt and do some things its just t hat is so hard, i just want to isolate myself and crawl up into my sick sorta of denial. my situation has not much changed except to maybe gotten all little worse. My ex-wife is near death and chose to leave her children and go die with her girlfriend, My children now live with friends but they are only 15 and almost 17, too young to be starting life on there own. i feel like a failure as a father for not being able to take care of them and worry constantly about them. My son knows more of my situation tan my daughter and when i talk to him i can hear anger below the surface. He is yet to verbalize it but i hear in his tone and some comments such as i just "need to snap out of it" , like i would choose to live this way. I am currently awaiting a decision on disability but as everyone knows that is a long process and right now i feel stagnant. I do however hang on to to a thread of hope and refuse to give up. I need to come to peace with whats going on and deal with each situation as it arises and keep chugging along. There are people in my  life that are helping me do that and i probably don't express my gratitude enough. I will take this oppurtunity to say thanks. well i ques that is enough for this morning. i promise to come back and contiuing this public sorta of journal, I want to ask if anybody is out there listening try to get out of yourself and do something for someone else, even if its something as simple as smililng and wishing somebody a good day. peolpe don't seem to realize how some thing as small as just recognizing some can help them.