waiting on the hurricane

well sitting here watching the rain, supposed to get a little worse later, mostly rain and some wind. i kinda like storms. anyway have posted much lately as not much has been happening. we are getting ready to move soon to new house, there is a lot of work to be done. kinda glad, i need to get re-focused and doing the things necessary to recover. i spoke with my daughter for first time in a couple of weeks the other day. hearing her voice was the highlight of the month so far, God i miss her, was really thinking about her today as this is the kinda day where we would eat junk food and lay back and watch her favorites shows. my dream is that i someday be in a position to take care of her and my son. it is that dream that keeps me going, my depression has not really improved, its the not got much worse either but i must find things in life that give me joy and purpose. i think once we me and start to do some work on house and myself i will at least find that purpose. there have been people here for me through all my ups and downs and my drama and are still hanging in there with me and i  am grateful, my plan is to put that gratitude to work by maybe helping others. i know its going to be a process and i must learn patience but hopefully i will get there. anyway just wanted to check in and let people know i am still around. i ask of all you to pray for my children while they deal with the loss of their mother and i will kindly do the same for others......god bless and have a safe day

a new time

as i sat and ate with my children the other night in between services for their mother i realized that a door was closing and another opening. i think until that night i still saw them as children, naive, innocent and vulnerable. that night the conversation got very deep and at times intense and i slowly began to realize the were maturing fast, right before my eyes. now don't get me wrong they are only 17 &15 but still they just din't sound like it. i was very glad we had the conversation as somethings that needed saying were said but it was kinda sad seeing my kids as little adults. the selfish me wants to turn back the clocks to when they were little and i used to wrestle and play with them and hug and squeeze them, but alas they are no longer little kids anymore, they are little adults. i miss them but i suppose that is the natural course of life.As for me, i am still struggling sometimes i feel more than ever, did a couple things this week that made me for a few minutes feel like a normal person but still my mood is low and thoughts are dark but ii have a plan and i am going to stick to it and hopefully things will get better. we are in processing of moving and there is all that goes with that and i am hoping to give it my all and then afterwards do something for me and hopefully it will work out. until then i will hang in there and suggest you do the same. do something today for someone other than yourself.. 

gratitude

My ex-wife passed away a few days ago, it is difficult for as much anger and resentment i felt towards her i still cared, she was the mother of my children. so i am dealing with that grief and even more difficult watching my children grieve for their mother. i bumped into an old friend and kinda layed down what i am going through and he suggested i focus some energy on things that i am grateful about.i decided on of the 1st thing was to write to foundation members who have been there for me but really goes out to any of you who have helped, everything from donating money to simply saying a prayer. what follows is a copy of that letter.

Omar, i have doing alot of thinking the last couple days. it has been a rough couple of days, watching your children in pain and not being able to really ease that pain is difficult. saw an old friend last night and had a good talk, he suggested i spend some time focusing on the things for which i am grateful and even making a list. i plan on doing that, maybe that will be my next blog entry. when i started thinking about things i am grateful for of course you and Ryan came to mind. i say this and do not say lightly but have no doubt i would not be alive had it not been for your intervention. like i have expressed several times recently i am not sure i am what you bargained for and am probably more high maintenance than you had expected but you have been supportive and gracious the whole time. there are in life certain situation where my vocabulary is inadequate to express my feelings or thoughts, this is one of those occasion. if you look back at your work here and need to find some sort of validation you can at least say you  have saved a life. i am grateful beyond words. i just wanted you to know that..    Phillip

the day i forgave my father

Today is my fathers birthday. He would have been 77years old. He passed away with cancer close to 2 years ago. In the last 8 or 9 years of his life we never spoke until the end. You see my father was an alcoholic and extremely abusive towards me and occasionally  my mother.That is until i was 14 and fought back, he never touched me from then on but also never spoke more than 6 or 7 words to me either. In retrospect i believe he just didn't like his life and drank and took it out on others.He was stuck in a marriage he did not want to be in and living somewhere he didn't want to be. Additionally there was something hidden, some sort of secret i guess about his growing up, his upbring. His family was never mentioned other than my mom telling me his father worked in coal mines and drank too much and i had a grandmother in Michigan, that was it.I don't know if he had brothers or anything.When my father got sick my mother kept telling me i should come see him but i was still holding on to a lot of anger. My therapist at the time gradually start to plant the seed that maybe it was time to move on and see him. She felt a lot of my depression was just anger and rage i turned inward. eventually i agreed to go to DC to see him, the first thing i remember was the shock of seeing him, the last time i saw him he was about 5'6'' and 200lbs and kinda bff, when i saw him in that bed he could not have weighed more than 100lbs. he smiled and looked at my kids, and asked how old were they,, he had never met my children. He then grabbed my by the hand and kinda squeezed it and said he loved me and there was so much to talk about, but was kinda tired. i told him not to worry about it. i stayed probably another hour for he was heavily medicated and kept falling asleep, we left had dinner and i came home and watched TV and went to bed. About 3AM the phone rang and it was my mother and she told me my father had just passed away, not 12 hours after i went to see him. My therapist at the time was somewhat spiritual and felt he waiting for that to die, me i am not sure but did come to realize i no longer hate him and don't speak ill when talking him.    ps but am still depressed so i don't know how much my father had on my depression but i am hanging in there, one day at a time

hello

i am sitting here after just having a long conversation with a DSS worker. She sounds like a real nice lady and she wants to help me convince my son of all the things she can offer to help him. i tried to explain but he remains skeptical. he is confused, not to mention somewhat angry and hurt. it is hard enough to be a teenager today but to be one and slowly watch your mother die and your father struggle its really got to be rough. for me each day is a struggle, i live one day at a  time , each day searching for more reasons to go on. Right now they are my reasons. I know how i struggle with my mothers suicide and would hate to leave them the same legacy. Two days ago i got down on my knees and prayed, i do not really consider my self a Christian, as i have always been fascinated by eastern religions or faiths but figure what have i got to lose. Not sure if i mentioned this in earlier post but recently saw "Shawshank Redemption" and saw part where Tim Robbins tells his buddy that "  its time to get busy living, or get busty Dying". i can really relate. I really want to live, obviously or i still would not be here but there time i don't know if i can keep going. there a are several people who have seriously invested themselves and that also keeps me going. Remember as i always say, try to do something nice for someone today, you will be re payed 10 times fold...........

longest night

i think last night was one  longest nights of my life, i feel asleep fine around 11:30 but woke around 1:30am and have been up since then. i can not turn my thoughts off. they just go and go and its almost negative self talk. i still hurt from hearing my son say he hates me. somebody told me he doesn't mean it but he does at this moment. he is angry and hurt and probably really feels like he hates me. my only positive thought is there will come a day when he realizes that i am doing this because i love him and am worried and know he is not ready to take care of himself but. until that time it is going to difficult for me, as much as i tell myself i know deep down he loves me i still keep hearing his voice in my head. like i said yesterday i feel like i am going to explode.

Pain

Today was the hardest day of my life. i hurt so much right now i feel like i am going to explode. today i had to call Social Services and tell them my kids needed to be picked up because i am unable to care for them. my ex-wife has a terminal illness and went into hospital. when she got out she went to stay her last month or so with her girlfriend and asked the kids to come, they both hate her girlfriend and refused. well she went anyway and turned utilities off. my children are 15 and 16 and are too young to fend for themselves. my daughter has been staying with a friend but that is not a permanent solution. my son, it turns out was staying in house with no utilities.i worked in mental health a long time and have had people share their experiences once there kids get in system. i swore that would never happen. i called my son to tell him what was going on. his only comment was " i fucking hate you" and hung up. i have never been hurt so bad in my life. please pray for me and somebody please reaasure me i did the right thing.