sorry

been missing couple days, kinda hectic, back working, yeah !! still have my moments, my son still struggles at times as well. working trying to stay in the here and now and not get too anxious which i am prone to. just to give some people who have never had these struggles some of the hurdles i now have to deal with is when i sit down and look at what it takes to survive financially and what i make and spend, its a scary thought. i am grateful to have a job but i work at a place well know for hiring par-timers to avoid benefits and also they don't pay well either. when you figure child support, living expenses ect i barely  have 40-50 per month expendable income and i still need toiletries and a couple other incidentals. The scary part is that my dream is to be fully self supporting supporting with my own place, furniture, (even bills); but saving to reach that point is going to be difficult. i am extremely appreciative of the place i am at and the people, they are great but i think everyone thinks of someday having their own, don't feel it is unreasonable. its going to take work and help but want to get there and once there try to help someone else get there

new day

you know through my age and experiences i guess i have grown somewhat cynical but the last few days have shown me  there are people out there who just do things because they care or they are the right things to do, to you i want to say thank you!!!. still unsure of somethings but am sure i want to continue on regardless of obstacles. i have in the last few weeks come to learn a great deal about myself but also great deal about other people and find myself more open-minded now. do not get me wrong i have a difficult road but now see possibilities and that even when i fall there will be, if i am willing people who will help me up if i let them. today i promise myself not to give up and if you are struggling please don't give up either, hang on

today

not sure why i even signed onto blogg, i guess i just felt need or desire to  to speaking to anyone. as many know its been a rough couple days but i fell it starting to subside,  thanks in most part to a group of guys who seem to care, its amazing. so many other i have come across in past have had agendas, these don't.. anyway spent day reading, nothing especially heavy just trying to stay out of head and use coping skills, have a call in to my employer to make sure all is kool and had a long conversation with my kids being careful not to get to deep into how i fee land what i am going through, they hay enough on their plate just being teenagers and their mother bieng sick, it is important to let them e teenagers for as much as possible. anyway.  my appetite is returning which his good sign so maybe i will go make sandwich and green tea..just wanted to say hello out there and if anybodies hope is faltering please hang on until you come across some people to help you; peace.........

new day

i have been here in my room feeling sorry for myself all day, no more, am going to shower, maybe eat something and try to listen to musis but the world has not ended and i need to stop acting like it, i'll get through today, call my team, maybe change in meds and in keep the f& ;^$ going on. thats what this website is about and that is HOPE, thank you all....and i am going to remember that some people have it worse than i do and try to stay more positive in case they need my help

wow

Damn...do you remember how sometimes we get homeless because circumstances beyond our control. i am currently experiencing one of those moments as we speak. i suffer from depression. sometimes almost untreatable depression. Exactly one year ago today my mother, who also had depression took her own life. i thought everything was going to be alright but shit, i don't know. its kicking my ass right now. the people who run the place i am at have been very supportive but am not so sure about roommates,they dont know much of of my illness i feel alone and afraid and not sure whats going to happen. also have anxiety am ,y thoughts are running wild........i think i need some help but am afraid, really afraid of whats going to happen......god please help me wow maybe more later if still here thank to all have been helping and please give me a chance

rainy days don't have to get you down

i am sitting here about to go to bed, (sucks getting old ;-)  ), worked today and am on my feet all day, additionally part of the program these good students from Hopkins are working on with us includes not only educational and vocational training but a little physical training and education as well which i must say as a 50 year old out shape man, is rough, they are of course not pushing too hard and monitoring but still.... last night we did something called "spinning" and today my calves are sore, but its a good soreness. its a kinda i know i am alive kinda of soreness. wanted to make some calls today. we are very interested in doing  somethings in neighborhood to give back back and let them know what we are are all about. we are having some success but Baltimore city politics i have found not the most easy to navigate, (hope i did just not offend someone). but i do not give up that easy and have a couple leads, we'll get there.also found out last night we will have access to a camera so i can maybe move this blog into more techno times, now if i could just get there myself. anyway not to get to far off tasks as i was getting off light rail i saw 3 guys with their cardboard going up up on the hill to make their beds for the night , sad......we can put a man on the moon, build a warship that can circle earth like a gazillion times but we can't help our own people out.anyway, i gonna go, get some green tea and relax, this blog is also therapeutic for me and have been strongly encouraged to continue so you will keep hearing from me. sometimes to check in and tell you how my day went and sometimes when angry just a place to rant....

on the streets

i believe i left off talking about society does not care and just how rough things are but that is not always the case and not everyone is so  uncaring. i was one of the fortunate who happened into a good situation, guided by some good people(Lisa) and although my life is still a struggle i can see some hope. a few months ago i saw none. in the last 18 months i had lost job where i had been making decent money and where i had been employed 9 years, my father died of cancer, i was robbed of almost $1200, found out my ex wife was terminal (liver failure) and then it that was not bad enough i also lost my mother too, to suicide. so you could say my life has sucked, but i am coming around. i consider myself fairly intelligent person and instead of heading down the path i was heading i sought some help and it came, not necessarily the help i wanted but the help i needed. i now have a place to lay my head at night where i feel safe and don't have to use belongings as a pillow or ride the trains all day because it was so cold outside. i even have a little part-time job and they seem impressed with my work ethic and skills and are talking about some good stuff for the future so i can re-unite with my children after my ex finally passes. Several months ago i just sat there and wanted to die, today i ate a good meal, napped a little and am going to watch a movie. but is very important that i remember this, and that when i was at that point someone was there to reach out and help me so when given the opportunity i must do the same.
www.sunnahinc.org

misinformation

My name is really not that important, my story and my struggles,and more importantly the everyday day struggles of my fellow human beings are, to me anyway; and hopefully a few other with some sort of social awareness. I will therefore  try to retain my own person anonymity as to insure i have no other agenda but bring to light some of what homeless persons go through and also hope to dis-spell some antiquated notions and prejudiced ideas about homelessness. I guess the first is that homeless people are "winos" or "bums" and they are all addicts and do nothing but panhandle on street corners or that they are "crazy" and yes there are many that fit those categories but that does not mean they need help as well, quite the contrary.Another is that they just need to get a job, which i was to  find much easier said than done. Imagine as hard as things are right now trying to find a job with limited skills, no phone, no clothes to wear to interview or work in as most shelters make you take all your belongings with you when you leave, i could go on but maybe you see my point. There is also a new class of homelessness out there due to the economy. People who who through maybe a bad choice or two and loss of a job suddenly in a place they never imagined they would be. it is unfortunate but some of you probably don't realize how close you you are, give it a thought..I didn't and and am now homeless.i was one of the lucky ones who crossed paths with some people who care and writing this is part of expressing my gratitude.I don't panhandle, spend my my money on alcohol or sleep in park but my situation is precarious as well. we live in a time when the politicos and policy makers are more worried about keeping their electorate happy and not necessarily doing whats right. if you are as like minded as me get people to speak up, encourage people to register to vote, lend a hand, smile at a homeless person today, do something !!! Congress is going to look  for ways to cut more money and the money that gets cut will be for those least able to stand up and say something about it....... well enough for today, c- ya soon, probably tomorrow.....