waiting on the hurricane

well sitting here watching the rain, supposed to get a little worse later, mostly rain and some wind. i kinda like storms. anyway have posted much lately as not much has been happening. we are getting ready to move soon to new house, there is a lot of work to be done. kinda glad, i need to get re-focused and doing the things necessary to recover. i spoke with my daughter for first time in a couple of weeks the other day. hearing her voice was the highlight of the month so far, God i miss her, was really thinking about her today as this is the kinda day where we would eat junk food and lay back and watch her favorites shows. my dream is that i someday be in a position to take care of her and my son. it is that dream that keeps me going, my depression has not really improved, its the not got much worse either but i must find things in life that give me joy and purpose. i think once we me and start to do some work on house and myself i will at least find that purpose. there have been people here for me through all my ups and downs and my drama and are still hanging in there with me and i  am grateful, my plan is to put that gratitude to work by maybe helping others. i know its going to be a process and i must learn patience but hopefully i will get there. anyway just wanted to check in and let people know i am still around. i ask of all you to pray for my children while they deal with the loss of their mother and i will kindly do the same for others......god bless and have a safe day

a new time

as i sat and ate with my children the other night in between services for their mother i realized that a door was closing and another opening. i think until that night i still saw them as children, naive, innocent and vulnerable. that night the conversation got very deep and at times intense and i slowly began to realize the were maturing fast, right before my eyes. now don't get me wrong they are only 17 &15 but still they just din't sound like it. i was very glad we had the conversation as somethings that needed saying were said but it was kinda sad seeing my kids as little adults. the selfish me wants to turn back the clocks to when they were little and i used to wrestle and play with them and hug and squeeze them, but alas they are no longer little kids anymore, they are little adults. i miss them but i suppose that is the natural course of life.As for me, i am still struggling sometimes i feel more than ever, did a couple things this week that made me for a few minutes feel like a normal person but still my mood is low and thoughts are dark but ii have a plan and i am going to stick to it and hopefully things will get better. we are in processing of moving and there is all that goes with that and i am hoping to give it my all and then afterwards do something for me and hopefully it will work out. until then i will hang in there and suggest you do the same. do something today for someone other than yourself.. 

gratitude

My ex-wife passed away a few days ago, it is difficult for as much anger and resentment i felt towards her i still cared, she was the mother of my children. so i am dealing with that grief and even more difficult watching my children grieve for their mother. i bumped into an old friend and kinda layed down what i am going through and he suggested i focus some energy on things that i am grateful about.i decided on of the 1st thing was to write to foundation members who have been there for me but really goes out to any of you who have helped, everything from donating money to simply saying a prayer. what follows is a copy of that letter.

Omar, i have doing alot of thinking the last couple days. it has been a rough couple of days, watching your children in pain and not being able to really ease that pain is difficult. saw an old friend last night and had a good talk, he suggested i spend some time focusing on the things for which i am grateful and even making a list. i plan on doing that, maybe that will be my next blog entry. when i started thinking about things i am grateful for of course you and Ryan came to mind. i say this and do not say lightly but have no doubt i would not be alive had it not been for your intervention. like i have expressed several times recently i am not sure i am what you bargained for and am probably more high maintenance than you had expected but you have been supportive and gracious the whole time. there are in life certain situation where my vocabulary is inadequate to express my feelings or thoughts, this is one of those occasion. if you look back at your work here and need to find some sort of validation you can at least say you  have saved a life. i am grateful beyond words. i just wanted you to know that..    Phillip