a day in the life

i recently kept a pad by my bed and scraps of paper in my pocket about a day, the following were probably only about half  but they are the feelings, emotions and behaviors in last day or so:. fulfillment, not being fullfilled, fear, guilt, love (both genuine, requited and unrequited), our mortality, untruthfulness, self loathing, pity, hope,peace, dreams, purpose,meaning of life, dreams lost, purpose, envy, feeling like an artist trapped in a body incapable to express it, destiny, fate, obsession, insanity, both being grateful and ungrateful, insane,suicidal and confused. now i know this list it not even a fraction and is extremely tangential but this my thought process, it's the behaviors, internal self dialogue i cannot seem to shut down and just runs, runs and runs through my mind. anyway anybody wanna trade? jajjajaja

missing

sorry folks that i have not been blogging lately, i really need it as i do this not only to share experiences of homeless people but my own therapy. and lord knows i need plenty of that. Mother day was last week and i really struggled with it. a lady stopped me and asked if i would like to buy my mom some nice flowers, of course i would, unfortunately i have no money and would not know where to take them, all my aunt told me were her ashes were scattered on some mountain in West Va.. i am really hurt sometimes its a struggle. i have had  my cousin, favorite uncle and now my mother all die by their own hands. sometimes i feel like i am cursed with same destiny myself but for my children's sake i fight on. i have been doing okay i guess, so-so. been staying busy doing some cleaning in community, around transitional house and even spent  time with my kids yesterday, i hated to see them go. tomorrow i have an appt. at Social Services about a small paying part-time job i had which turned out to be much too physically and mentally more that i can handle at present. never good news at DSS. they will probably suspend my benefits and make me start process all over again or penalize me for earning a grand some of 71.00 dollars a week, we'll see. the system is so short-sighted and set up to keep people down, it does nothing to encourage trying to do things to get out. i don't want welfare, i want an opportunity to take care of self and children as my ex-wife is really ill right now. all i can do is keep putting one foot in front of another, not giving up and pray for a break or two. please i implore of you to do something for someone other than yourself today, even if its just a smile and hello, you never know, that my be the gesture that gets someone through that particular day. until next time.. peace.......

whats happening peeps?

hello out there today, its a nice day, trying to figure out if its going to stay like that or not as my laundry is pilling up. .laundry and vacuuming are two chores i dread. i guess lie is not so bad when thats all you have to complain about for the moment. i still have not talked to my children but it will have to be  soon as  that is large part of plan. my roommate gave me some doughnuts last night and did not ask for anything in exchange showing we change, it may seem small but is not compared to where we came from, he will be leaving this week and am going to miss him. but that is how things go in life, maybe we we will get someone like him  if not i guess i will get a chance to work on some coping skills. anyway i hope everyone out there i having a good today and has a nice weekend coming up, me, no plans, just try to do some reading and schedule some of next week, leaving room for the unexpected, remember to try to do something nice for someone, the dividends are incredible.....
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